The Killer Whale Survival Kit, or, Night of the Orca

Sad news out of SeaWorld tells the harrowing tale of Tilikum, the orca that murdered it's trainer (is it murder if an animal kills a human? Ah heck, why not?) . My condolences, for all that they’re worth, go out to the family of the trainer.

People with agendas are obviously going to use this incident to further their… um… agenda against animal captivity. I’m not sure which side of the fence I come down on for that argument (well physically the outside of the fence – that’s’ right I’m lookin’ at you giraffe – do something).  On the one hand I’m pretty sure that if giraffes were supposed to be caged up, Africa would be full of cages; but on the other hand I have now seen a giraffe where I otherwise would not – as the old

saying goes: “if Willie don’t go to the G-Raff, the G-raff gotz to come to Willie.” The other thing to keep in mind is that eventually we will have paved over the natural habitat of every land and sea based life form, so maybe giving them a safe place to play isn’t a bad idea. Any way off topic.

The scary fact is this is the third time Tilikum has been involved in murder. That whale is damn lucky SeaWorld isn’t in California because they have that three strikes law in Cali and Mr. Whale would be going to jail for a  long, long time (well, I guess it already has come to think of it).

For those that say we shouldn’t be too quick to judge the whale, I think that this time the case is right there laid out before us in black and white. As I said, this is the third time this whale has killed and that to me says one of two things: either this is a serial killer whale or that whale does not like to be in captivity.

With that in mind the fear mongering has begun and people everywhere are becoming afraid that orca will jump out of the bushes all over the place to kill and eat them and their young; with this in mind I have prepared the following tips to make sure that if you find yourself in a position where an orca might strike, you will be prepared. (I apologize for the long warm up and hope you were not attacked by orca while I rambled away).

The Top 10 Things You Need to Know About Orcas to Stay Alive

1. An Orca is like a cat, it can fit it’s body through any hole it can fit it’s head through. Beware toilets and anything with a drain. Bidets are out of the question.
2. Like all Undead creatures, Orca fear fire.
3. Remember: you don’t have to outrun, or out swim, the Orca – just the person you’re with.
4. At all times carry your OPK (Orca Preparedness Kit) which should at least include (but not be limited too) an oxygen tank, a shot gun and a bullet (preferably silver). 
5. Always carry a supply of golf balls. In an emergency these golf balls may be used to plug the blow hole of the attacking killer whale. Note: the balls included with the Fisher Price Ball Popper may also do in a pinch.
6. If you have somehow harmed this orca’s pregnant mate – just drown yourself right now. That orca will not stop until he’s killed you and everyone you care about (but don’t kill everyone you care about before you off yourself in case the Orca decides your death is enough).
7. There is only one way to kill an Orca and make sure it doesn’t rise: decapitation.
8. Do not play dead in the water. If you do (and especially if you do it face down) you will be well and truly dead. And if that happens, don’t come complaining to me.
9. Remember, if you look the Orca in the eye it can turn you to stone; so keep your eyes averted and use your shield as a mirror so that it turns itself to stone.
10. If, like Jack (and Jonah), you find yourself swallowed by said killer whale make like Jack (not Jonah) and catch “the whale all by the tail/And turn him inside out.” Keep in mind these are just suggestions its up to each person in each situation to figure out exactly how to do the aforementioned.

With these handy hints at your side, should you ever be assailed wile a-sailing by a pod of killer whales you will hopefully be able to live to tell your tale (and if you don’t, don’t come running to me).

The whole scenario, that is, orca goes on death rampage, gives me an idea for a movie about an orca that goes on a death rampage. I would call it The Orca That Wouldn’t Slow Down.

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