Friday, February 19, 2010

If I Could Walk With the Animals…

There’s some weird and creepy crap happening in the world of animals today and as I’ve got the day off I was able to explore and pursue it with all the ethic of a CNN journalist. That is to say there’s a kernel of truth in the following stories and I’m going to make up the rest of the details.

Yay for modern day journalism!

Paparazzi sinks to New Low…

In the world of the kinky and weird a couple in BC has gone to crazy and discomfiting new lows: is the link to a story about a couple that’s put a web cam in the den of a sleeping Spirit Bear. Now, I’m for exploiting nature as much as the next man – I wear my loafers made from gophers (it was either that or skin my chauffer) – but this seems a little bit like going too far.

Now I realize that after years of marriage some couples have trouble trying to create that spark in the bedroom. It’s natural. The libido is like a haircut – you have to keep it groomed (I heard Sue Johansen say that once… really I did). It’s like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer and Marge reignite their passion for each other by finding increasingly stranger and more exposed places to … well get stranger and more exposed.

So there’s this couple who’s only way to get their jollies seems to be spying on a sleeping bear. Neighbours are already complaining about the yells of “Oh dear! Your chest is hairy like animal!” and “Watch me bare my spirit!” and of course the worst one of all: “RAWR!’

Okay so I’m pretty sure that’s not what the story is about.

It’s some science thing probably (but hey, I don’t believe in science anyway) and of course  all this bear related science has only one purpose behind it: trying to find out if a bear really does shit in the woods.

It Don’t Matter if You’re Black or White…

.. But if you’re both you’re in a heap of trouble boy.

Out of Atlanta today comes the following story: This is the harrowing tale of Lima the Zebra who took it into his head to break free from the the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus show. Take a minute to PERU-se the story and when you’ve BEAN there, come right back.

Animal cruelty is a horrible thing and luckily we have groups that look out for these poor beasts. There’s Green Peace, there’s PETA, there’s the Toronto branch of the SPCA… um okay not so much on that last one. How does this story relate to animal cruelty you ask? Well let me answer – only cruelty to animals would see them letting this creature escape in Atlanta *shiver*. There’s no way they’d let this guy run around in New Hampshire.

Let this be a lesson to all you folks out there who’ve ever thought about running away to join the circus; the only beings who have less freedom than the animals of the the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus show are the acrobats of the Cirque du Soleil.

Not Neutral Anymore

And to round out today’s triumvirate of animal related news, Swiss lawmakers are contemplating appointing a public defender for animals. This person would, um, publicly defend animals (funny how some things are actually what they say they are). 

Abused animals could get right to lawyer in Swiss proposal up for vote That’s the story right there, in case you think I’m making it up – complete with snappy title as chosen by the fine peeps of the Associated Press (personally I would have went with something like “Animals to Make Law Suit” or “No animals were harmed in the ratifying of this law).

Of course as this is the Swiss Legal system there’s bound to be more holes in it than in their cheese (but as they’re legal holes they can call them loopholes). Until the point where this law is ratified it will remain just a Bill… just a bill on capitol hill…. (OH NO! I CAN’T STOP!)

I'm just a bill.
Yes, I'm only a bill.
And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill.
Well, it's a long, long journey
To the capital city.
It's a long, long wait
While I'm sitting in committee,
But I know I'll be a law someday
At least I hope and pray that I will,
But today I am still just a bill.

Boy: Gee, Bill, you certainly have a lot of patience and courage.

Bill: Well I got this far. When I started, I wasn't even a bill, I was just an idea. Some folks back home decided they wanted a law passed, so they called their local Congressman and he said, "You're right, there oughta be a law." Then he sat down and wrote me out and introduced me to Congress. And I became a bill, and I'll remain a bill until they decide to make me a law.

I'm just a bill
Yes I'm only a bill,
And I got as far as Capitol Hill.
Well, now I'm stuck in committee
And I'll sit here and wait
While a few key Congressmen discuss and debate
Whether they should let me be a law.
How I hope and pray that they will,
But today I am still just a bill.

Boy: Listen to those congressmen arguing! Is all that discussion and debate about you?

Bill: Yeah, I'm one of the lucky ones. Most bills never even get this far. I hope they decide to report on me favourably, otherwise I may die.

Boy: Die?

Bill: Yeah, die in committee. Oooh, but it looks like I'm gonna live! Now I go to the House of Representatives, and they vote on me.

Boy: If they vote yes, what happens?

Bill: Then I go to the Senate and the whole thing starts all over again.

Boy: Oh no!

Bill: Oh yes!

I'm just a bill
Yes, I'm only a bill
And if they vote for me on Capitol Hill
Well, then I'm off to the White House
Where I'll wait in a line
With a lot of other bills
For the president to sign
And if he signs me, then I'll be a law.
How I hope and pray that he will,
But today I am still just a bill.

Boy: You mean even if the whole Congress says you should be a law, the president can still say no?

Bill: Yes, that's called a veto. If the President vetoes me, I have to go back to Congress and they vote on me again, and by that time you're so old...

Boy: By that time it's very unlikely that you'll become a law. It's not easy to become a law, is it?

Bill: No!

But how I hope and I pray that I will,
But today I am still just a bill.

Congressman: He signed you, Bill! Now you're a law!

Bill: Oh yes!!!

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