Let Them Eat (Urinal) Cake or Don’t talk to me, I’m Peeing

Urinal etiquette is rarely discussed among men because it is one of those things you’re just supposed to know: however some people don’t.

For the sake of any who should be reading this, I’m going to go over a couple of “golden” rules for the men out there who aren’t sure what to do when they find themselves in the awkward situation of being in the washroom with another man. I promise to save this for my son so that upon successfully completing potty training he can read it and avoid any awkward situations.

And  for you ladies, this may  come in useful if you ever find yourself in some sitcom-ish type situation where you’re pretending to be a man for some reason and have to use the male washroom (such as trying to avoid the line-up at the women’s washroom at concerts).

Rule #1: Don’t Stand… Don’t Stand… Don’t Stand So Close to Me

It’s a little known fact that what Sting was singing about in the song title above was the PPP – the peepee proximity problem (or proximipee I henceforth dub it so).

Translated into simple terms this rule states:  Where a man is situated in a wash room with a number of urinals > 2; said man shall choose the urinal closest to the door. THE NEXT MAN to enter shall then take his position at the urinal FURTHEST from the man who was there first. At no time should the middle urinal be used unless all other available spots are taken and you cannot hold it.

Upon first blush this seems fairly obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many people don’t realize that the concept of “personal space” is expanded in the forced intimacy of the washroom. It’s assumed that if you’re stuck standing next to a fellow man while doing your business you will not look – the insertion of the extra space merely ensures that there will be no accidental glimpsing which will then make that 2 minute hand washing window any more uncomfortable than it has to be.

Rule #2: Don’t talk to me, I’m peeing

Any and all conversation while standing at the urinal should be kept to a minimum; where conversation is felt to be necessary, conversational topics should be kept to sports and weather alone.

Having been named after my great grandfather I take a certain amount of pride in my name. Sure it’s fairly common place but William is a strong name; Bill is even an acceptable substitution. An unfortunate bastardization of the name however is Willie, and there is no place more apparent than in the locale of the washroom is the poignancy of that bastardization felt.

More than once have I stood at the urinal to have a fellow, a manager no less, ask me: “How’s Willie?” This leaves a man with two possible choices on how to answer the question; as the asker is usually a management type so far I’ve restrained from responding with: “Well it’s got this rash…” but one of these days my sense of discretion and career preservation might desert me and who knows what I might say (I never do).

There’s another reason why conversation should be kept to a minimum in the facilities and it leads right into rule number three (and you thought there was only number one and number two).

Rule #3: Aim too, please

Keeping your eyes on the prize will help to make sure that your feet stay dry; many a gas station attendant has lamented the lack of aim; to the point where it’s nothing to hear one of the Men from Texaco yelling: “My God! Is EVERYONE cross-eyed!?!”

Some people need all the help they can get and when they start talking their mind starts to stray from the task at… um… hand. So keep conversation to a minimum: clear your mind, feed all your emotions into the flame and aim for that little bee they embed in the urinal (I’m pretty sure its not a real bee encased in the urinal, but that would  be cool).

In Summary

1. Keep Your Distance
2. Shut Up
3. Watch what you’re doing.

Voila, we’re all happy.