Monday, February 8, 2010

Mankind Cast from Eden… Again!

Most everyone knows the story, even if you’re an atheist you probably know it (if you don’t go read the frickin’ Bible and see what you’re against): man lives in paradise called eden, woman joins man, snake shows up and says “Yo, want sum o’ma apple?” Man and woman says: “You know what Holmes? I am kinda peckish” Man and woman eat apple of which God has said “Dinnae touch me apple ye daft pubes!” God finds out and casts man and woman from Eden. End of story (per se).

Well, it’s happened again; although the paradise in question is New Brunswick (and therefore not very paradise-like at all) and more specifically a Tim Horton’s coffee shop. Here’s the story:  Banned from Tim Horton's for coffee complaints from The Toronto Sun, where I believe it was front page news (all Tim Horton’s related stories merit front page news status in Canada).

The crux of the story is this: The man named Jimmy Craig or Joe Bob Lunchpail (or whatever) fired off a couple of complaints to his local Timmies regarding the quality of the decaf coffee he’d received; his dissatisfaction got to the point where he decided he would take his complaint right to the top (or at least the fourth level of middle management); and instead of getting the reparation he felt he deserved what happened to our hero? He got banned from the local Timmies.

Finding himself without any recourse, our protagonist Jimmy Joe John Jack decided to take his story nationwide – and as we don’t have Jerry Springer in Canada he was forced to go to the next best place: The Toronto Sun. Like many people who seek the media as a tool to redress a perceived wrong; Jimbo George doesn’t quite realize that this situation he’s broadcasting to the world does not portray him in a favourable light.

For you see, Jiminiy Jeff John George or whoever you are, the chances of the situation being as simple as you complaining to Tim Horton’s three times and them having had enough of you seem as likely to me as Brian Williams, failed CBC sports reporter (you have ONE JOB Brian Williams and that is to remember athlete’s names and you can’t do that, Howard Cosell weeps tears, dusty tears from beyond, from his grave whenever you announce a sporting event), not coming to Vancouver and trying to hone in on CTV’s Olympic coverage by standing next to reporters and shouting the wrong names of the athlete’s.

Here’s a couple of possible scenarios:

  • The Soup Nazi from Seinfeld was moonlighting at the Timmy-hohos: “NO coffee for you – lifetime!”
  • Ol’Jim Dandy may not be the soul of eloquence and dropped a few too many F-bomb’s and perhaps some personal slurs concerning various matriarchs of Timmy’s employees
  • Jimmy Jo tried to steal the donutometer

And our hero, not depending on the persuasive powers of the media in a move with all the class of spray cheese, is also hiring himself a lawyer to get the Tim Ban lifted. Apparently the lawyer will be arguing the little used section in the Charter of Rights & Freedoms that we as Canadians adhere to which states “All Canadians shall have, heretofore and herein declared, the right to the Double-Double.”

The Pun Section: Well Jimmy Craig, I can’t imagine what could be cruller than being banned from Tim’s; I’m just an Old Fashioned Plain guy, but I think you’d have to be quite the (chocolate) dip to be banned from Tim’s. Now you’ll have to fritter away your days at home, saving a $1.32 feeling time (walnut) crunch away at your sanity. I know right now you feel as if life’s kicked you in the Timbits, Jimmy, but you are at least trying to d’e’clair your rights to the world.

Okay that’s enough.

Now I’m sure some of us are sitting here laughing at John Jim Jackson’s plight but I warn you that Jimmy Joe Jack Johnson has opened up a can of worms that might otherwise be left closed; because if, in fact, Jimmy was banned from the Tim’s for complaining he’s just empowered store owners to look beyond the tried and untrue maxim: The customer is always right. It’s like when a child turns 18 and realizes that his parents didn’t know everything and no longer have control over him: companies will be randomly refusing to satisfy our every dissatisfied whim.

If this happens thank the man called Jimmy Craig.

Oddly, I do hope The Toronto Sun keeps us up to date because this has BCAS (Bad Car Accident  Syndrome) written all over it; and one thing’s for sure Tim Horton store – you just found yourself on Jimmy Craigslist – and the only thing he sells is a world of hurt.

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