Mascaught

Dear Solitary Reader:

It’s Sunday, and the non-family related highlight of Sundays is football. The only thing better than regular football for me is playoff football; playoffs take it to a whole new level – a level normally not seen in the regular season because now everything matters.

Of course it appears someone forgot to tell the New England Patriots that it was playoff season. People will be talking about this one for a while (at least until a couple of games into next year when the Patriots fire it up all over again) because Baltimore is Blindsiding the Pats 33 to 14 as I watch. There’s 2:13 so I think I’m safe to call this one.

Pats fans are going to start the off season by lamenting the loss, for about a week or so, and then they’ll get down to the business of laying the blame. The following are a mix of reasons given by Pats fans (PF) and non-Pats fans (NPF) alike as to why New England will be bowing out in the first round:

• Bill Belichick wasn’t able to install his spy cams in time and was unable to steal and decipher the Baltimore Raven’s Playbook (NPF)
• Sandra Bullock poisoned the Gatorade of the Pats so that the Ravens would move on (and she plans to continue doing so until they win the Superbowl) – thereby increasing the popularity of her movie The Blind Side. (PF)
• Tom Brady – after last year’s season ending injury Tom Brady just hasn’t looked the same – perhaps he’s skittish? Or maybe he’s just got a year’s worth of rust? Whatever happened last season it turned Brady from the NFL quarterback to an NFL Quarterback. (PF & NPF)
• Wes Welker – that guy is freakin’ amazing on the field and the loss of him last week left the Pats without one of their major weapons (PF & NPF (who don’t hate the Pats and are willing to see reason)).

But I know the reason. And its not what you think. The real reason why the Pats have looked spent this year: Pats Mascot caught in Prostitution Ring.

In early December, one of the individuals who inhabits the body of Pat Patriot the mascot of the team was caught in an undercover sting that saw 14 people go down (heheh) as part of a prostitution ring.

This whole season the Patriots have looked like a distracted team; like a team that’s had something else on it’s mind – and now we know exactly what its had on its mind. Obviously the team has spent too much time “patting the Patriot” and not enough time on the field practicing.

First this and then Wes Welker – talk about a season that went south pretty fast. I know one thing for sure: now with no more football to play and no more prostitutes to play with, the Pats are going to have a lot of time on their hands this summer.