We Can Be Heroes

Dear Solitary Reader: Today, on the sun, a giant solar flare is going to flare… um, giantly. Scientists, because they are always right, are saying nothing bad will come of it.

It’s basically just a big sun fart.

But if there’s one thing I know from reading comic books and watching Sci-Fi television (I refuse to use y’s in that station name) its unheard of scientific events do not just pass harmlessly. So scientists be damned, I am fully expecting to end out this day with super powers caused by this solar flare.

The following are the superpowers I am anticipating:

• I will gain the ability to see through the bullshit mouthed by politicians in all corners of the world. Instead of now, when I assume a politician is lying when his or her mouth is moving, I will know for sure each word spewing forth from the giant political maw for what it is: lies.
• I will gain the power to spread Common Sense wherever I go. People will see that even as a dictator falls in Egypt, no bad thing, he will, eventually be replaced with a governing body of bad people who at least have the decency to commit their atrocities quietly.
• I will invent the flying car because dammit we should have done that years ago.
• I will be able to fly, so that I won’t have to make exorbitant monthly payments on the flying car I have invented (which will used the ground up bones of the polar bear for fuel).
• I will steal the world’s nuclear weapons and hide them away so they can never use them.
• I will cancel Oprah
• I will be able to make a year’s worth of lunches for the kids, my wife and I, so that our evenings are freed up; these lunches will be consistently delicious, always taste different and will be able to fold up into the size of a 3 1/4 floppy disk and fit nicely in the freezer.

Oh and I will also gain super speed, super strength and rose colored X-ray vision so I can see into the ladies change room (the “rose color” will be effective in making the 78 year old Grandma that came for Aqua-aerobics look like Pamela Anderson in her hayday).

You know on further inspection of my anticipated powers and goals I seem to be leaning more towards the super-villain side of the spectrum.

Ah well – to the evil lair!