Sorry Zynga, I Have Commitment Issues

Dear Solitary Reader: I’ve come to a realization about myself and its one of th0se epiphanies of self-discovery that is both discomfiting and liberating all at the same time. The discovery? You guessed it: I have commitment issues. But Bill, you say, how can you have commitment issues when you’re about to hit your ten year wedding anniversary? That’s a good question.

It turns out that my issues with commitment are not to do with people but with games – specifically the games made by Zynga and those of the Zynga-esque ilk. Shall I expound?

Let us wind the hands of time backward a few years or so and you’ll find me, a young impressionable user of the interweb logging on to Facebook; I, as someone who has alienated most of his friends with his cutting edge wit, couldn’t pay someone to accept a friend request – so what was I to do?

The answer presented itself in a little game called Mafia Wars. I alit down the road of mobster with a glee which bespoke of my deeply buried Italian heritage (thanks Grammy Martin); I was bustin’ kneecaps, takin’ protection money and eating pasta like nothing else. Until I hit about level 11 or so… and then I got tired of it. Neighbouring branches of ‘Da Family” honed in on my territory, but I could care less.  Suddenly forcing people’s joints to bend in ways they never had before had lost its appeal (I know, crazy huh?)

Life in the big city got to be too much for me, so I decided I needed a change of pace (also I turned state’s evidence against the don and entered the witless protection program). I needed something a little more serene. And where did I go? You guessed it – to the Farm. To be more specific, to Farmville.

I, who was pimpin’ in Mafia Wars, was now hoeing in Farmville; my crops grew and so too did my Friend database as random strangers wanted my name in their log to help expand their plot. I didn’t mind the usury though; I wanted the same. I grew all kinds of plants, gained all kinds of items. But no matter how many crops I planted there was still a big empty space – and it was in my heart.

Soon the only thing that grew was my emotional distance from my Farm. But how could I just turn and walk away, just leave it without a trace? Now I sit here taking every breath without you…. ooo… you’re the only game that really knew me at all…

… yeah, anyway…

It turned out that life on the farm was not for me; it was no longer about the farm, it had turned into an agri-business.

I told myself I’d gotten away, just not far enough. That’s when I saw the advert for a little game that promised me treasure and my very own Isle; how could I resist? Soon I set sail in my dory and ended up on this little sand spit in the middle of nowhere…

I could tell this game wasn’t going to go too well for me because within minutes it wasn’t meeting my expectations. Where was Ricardo Montalban welcoming me to Fantasy Island? Heck, Malcolm McDowell wasn’t even there! But I dug the sand for treasure like a good little monkey; I completed collections and turned them in; some fat bastard named Winston Adams took my collections and who knows what the hell he did with them…

… Finally a big gust of wind came and I told that wind to carry me over, carry me over, to MyTown.

MyTown, that was my next stop along the Zynga circuit. After all, I reasoned, Burnaby is a stupid city (what with it dropping street names and then picking up again three streets later in manner to make Tomtom weep and Google Maps dizzy) here’s my chance to do it right. And I did! For a little bit… and then I got tired of trying to please all the residents of my town.. they wanted more street lights, they wanted more bus shelters, they wanted the latest and the newest of everything and they didn’t want to pay a single cent of tax.

Finally I abandoned MyTown and the last I heard the weeds had taken over… it had turned into a Ghost Town… without my love… like a Ghost Town… I been dreamin’ of..

… And now I sit at my computer waiting… I wait for the next game that will fill the empty hours between sleeps…  until something comes along I will do what I always do to fill the gap created by boredom…

Bejewelled Blitz… this game never gets old!