I Scream… From Ice Cream

Dear Solitary Reader: On a day when its hotter than the devil’s arm pit outside there is nothing more refreshing than beer; but as its only two in the afternoon hitting the suds will have to wait (but only until I’m finished this article because I wouldn’t want to slur while I’m typing).

The next best thing to beer on a hot Christmas morning is of course ice cream and with all those flavours out there ice cream is, truly, for everyone; for those of you who put hands to forehead and say “Alas! I am lactose intolerant!” I say to you first: “the world already has too much intolerance in it, shame on you! AND they have dairy digestive pills now so go pop a couple and grab y’self a blizzard.”

But with summer and ice cream comes that which steals the lustre off the ice cream bar – the ice cream truck.

Perhaps its because I grew up in Newfoundland, where communities were small and far apart, but the ice cream truck  wasn’t all that prevalent; an ice cream truck was not economically viable. The closest thing we came to having an ice cream truck show up was when Mr Higgins the milk man, or my dad according to my sister, came in October and the milk had frozen.

And so it is that my only real knowledge of the ice cream truck comes from television; and I’ll tell you something, ice cream trucks on TV (apart from the episode of The Simpsons where Homer drove one) are all driven by pedophiles and killers. If you drive an ice cream truck and aren’t one of the above then apologies; if you are one of the above then go die.

Let me see… I remember watching that animated Spawn movie, I think it was called Spawn, and the creepy pedophile killer in that movie was, you guessed it, an ice cream truck driver. Not long ago I hate to admit to it, but I watched a portion of Legion (I couldn’t make it through the whole thing cause it was smelly sock bad) and the first demon killer dude drove a … you guessed it… Honda Civic. But the second one drove an ice cream truck.

And I’m pretty sure every criminal on Law and Order: SVU drives one.

The worst thing about the ice cream truck now is that creepy ass music it plays. No longer do kids run in flocks up to the truck when that music, which to be honest sounds like the tinny music you get when you open one of those “Singing” holiday cards at the dollar store, begins to play; rather at the cautioning of their parents the children run inside and hide until the ice cream truck is gone.

It seems to me that if you’ve been put on the path of being an ice cream truck driver in this day and age then you’ve been put on a Rocky Road; and that’s probably no scoop to you. The media coverage may just be why it seems every ice cream truck driver has a mint chocolate chip on their shoulder; but hey, let’s all be Neapolitan here, I’ll lay it out for you in chocolate and vanilla: a career that seems on the surface like a Heavenly Hash is probably just gonna turn Moose “tracks”.

Note: I just googled ice cream and read about a company called Emack and Bolio’s ice cream… but for some reason my mind read Ebolio’s… sick… and sickening