Friday, August 27, 2010

Cows with Moograines

Dear Solitary Reader:

From the interweb today comes the shocking and demoralizing news that some cows out there are living better than I am; not only are these cows being grain fed but they are also being given a diet of red wine to wash down their highly nutritional meals.

Now all the animal rights activists are probably going to get all up in arms about this story, and in this case I think I’m going to have to agree with them. The difference  however in this case will be where they protest on an “every animal has rights” platform, I protest on a why should the cows get it for free when I have to pay for it?  

Here are some reasons I think feeding cattle red wine is a bad idea:

  • Everyone knows that red wine has a certain amount of tannins in it and tannins have been known to cause migraines in some people; it’s a trigger food. It would be cruel, and certainly unusual, punishment for these animals to, on top of killing them and eating them for meat, make their last day on earth feel as if they’re heads were being squeezed by a rubber band. These will of course be called Moo-graines.
  • All it takes is one surly cow with a hangover to start a stampede.
  • Alcoholics may be unwittingly thrown from the wagon after sampling such a cuisine; if they start holding 12 step meetings at the Keg then we know for sure there’s a problem. These people obviously have the most at steak here… (yes, yes I did go there).
  • A generation of young farmers will never have the benefit of going cow tipping ; the cows will be tipsy already and will fall over on their own.
  • These cows are eventually going to start developing a palate and when that happens its going to be become prohibitively expensive as the cattle will no longer drink from the boxed Domain d’or, but only the Naked Grape. From there they’ll move on to Yellow Tail and who knows what after that?

Now, it would be unfair to present only one side of the argument. There are bound to be some positives from this story. 

  • From a  consumer stand point there are abound to be some time savings – no longer will you have to waste time eating AND drinking.
  • Maybe cows will now understand the humour in The Hangover.
  • Maybe when you wake up naked one morning lying in the middle of a field at the old Circle Bar ranch in the middle of a crop circle that looks like Elmo being eye-balled by Bessy, instead of passing judgement she’ll just say: “Oh yeah buddy… I been there.”

Its also interesting to note that the Canadian Food Inspection Agency has investigated the process to make sure there are no negative effects (hangover aside); the long term effects of feeding wine to cows has yet to be determined however BECAUSE WE KILL AND EAT THE COWS.

Stupid Canada.


Heh Heh.

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