The Insecurities of Our Age

Dear Solitary Reader: The other day, yesterday I guess actually, I was standing at a gas pump and it told me to do something. No not that! Get your mind out of the gutter. The instructions on the pump said: “Remove Card Rapidly” and I thought to myself: How do I know if I’m removing the card rapidly enough?

As an aging, balding, overweight male with a vague sense that I’m in the wrong career (but at least surrounded by smart people who can cover for my incompetence) I do not need any more opportunities to feel insecure about my daily life.

But they’re everywhere.  To list just a couple:

Remove Card Rapidly: Why doesn’t it just say “Remove Card" Why do I have to remove the card rapidly? Will it refuse to take my money if my carpal tunnel syndrome is acting up and I can’t withdraw the card from the slot with sufficient vigour? Should I lube up my card before I put it in that slot so I can be sure to get it out and pass the test?

Shake Well: I shake stuff but there are things that demand to be shaken well – who decides what is shaken well? If I flick my wrist a couple of times in a lacklustre fashion is Simon Cowell going to pop out of nowhere and say: “Honestly that was the most self-indulgent, lacklustre shake I’ve ever seen. To be honest, its like when you’re at a wedding and you’ve hired your cousin who did some bartending work in college to shake a martini. I’m sorry. You’ll really have to pick it up next time.” I shake with vigour. I shake with flourish. Occasionally, I even shake with rage. But do I shake well? I just can’t say.

And then there are those instructions that just assume you’re smart like stick – you know the ones:

• "Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
• "Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.
• "Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a frozen dinner.

Google silly instructions and you’ll come upon droves of them, of course the sad thing about those is the company probably had to put these instructions on because some numbnuts out there did something incredibly stupid… which, in a way, does make me feel somewhat better.

After all, I’ve never had to read the instructions on a machine to know: "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." Although every know and then, after I’ve been told to “Shake Well” and I”m left wondering if I have, and I encounter one of those sillier types of instructions, I can’t help but wonder… are they just talking to me?