Dear Solitary Reader:
The other morning while sitting in at the breakfast table I heard the telltale clinking of knife upon glass that denoted the end of the another jar of jam. I wasn’t crushed because I don’t really care for jam.
You see I prefer my toast to taste like toast and my crackers to taste like salt. If I wanted a mouthful of strawberry… I’d eat strawberry. But I’m a liberal minded fellow and if you want to eat jam that’s fine with me; after all, those strawberries that are a day after their due date in the store have to go somewhere… right?
However, it seems to me, in my non-jam eating way, a jar of jam has only two states: unopened full and opened with a half-inch of jam left in the bottle so it can make that clinking sound (also known as the Jam Alarm Recording or JAR). I cannot recall in all my years of having seen a half-empty jar of jam (or even a half full one if you’re an optimist).
And at the same time there is a sort of temporal displacement which revolves a jar of jam because doesn’t it always seem like you just bought a jar of jam two weeks ago?
Are there any Jam Eaters out there willing to disclose the secret? Is there a Jam Vortex that slowly sucks all the jam into its Cthulhu dominated space; is that also where the socks go when they don’t come back from the dryer? Is there a 4th dimension full of socks covered in jam?
Perhaps some wicked witch has found a magical way of siphoning the jam from your fridge; at this very moment your reserve of preserve is disappearing and reappearing in the vat which said witch is currently boiling Hansel and/or Gretel.
I have no answers, Solitary Reader, all I know is that come the next trip to the grocery store I’ll have to buy more jam – despite the fact that I just bought some two weeks ago…