Spill Over

Dear Solitary Reader

Before I start, I’d just like to take a minute to mention all the people who felt the need to correct me on my last post – that whole 35/prime number debacle – and say the following: screw you all! You people who get your jollies pointing out the flaws in other people disgust me.

I don’t believe in math anyway. Don't try to frighten me with your sorcerous ways, Math Lover. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebels' hidden fortress... oops… sorry nerd blackout there for a moment.

Heh seriously – good catch – there’s a reason I only managed the 13th percentile in the math equivalency of my MBA test (for the record I got 99th percentile in the bullshit portion).

So anyway…

We’re now in the 50+ day of gallon upon gallon of oil leaking into the Gulf of Mexico; the only thing flowing faster than the oil into the gulf is the bullshit from BP. It’s been covered everywhere (the story, not the gulf although that’s getting close) and perhaps one of the most interesting facets is how everyone is blaming Barak Obama.

Now, I’ve never been a big fan of Obama – not because I liked Bush but because Obama is a politician and I don’t like politicians – but honestly, are the people of the US expecting their president to load up a Nerf Super Soaker with Dish Soap and spray’n’wash some pelicans? Or maybe he should hop on Sea Force One with a cargo load of Mr. Clean Magic Erasers and start scrubbing the ocean clean?

Before the election everyone thought Obama could walk on water, maybe now that the water in the gulf is a little thicker he actually can; but one thing seems for certain, that dark smudge doesn’t just seem to be sticking to the southern US Coastline but to Obama’s reputation as well.

I think its time that Barak took a hands on approach to this situation as we’re reaching a crisis level both politically and environmentally. There’s only one thing he can do: assemble a team of today’s best, brightest and toughest and send them down in a submersible to cap that leak. You can’t just send anyone though, you have to make sure you get a team that will get the job done; with that in mind I propose the following team:

Captain Morgan Freeman: He might not know how to pilot a ship but his calm soothing voice will help to depressurize any stressful situation – hell that man’s voice is so smooth it might just depressurize the ocean and he could talk the oil into slowing down. With Roy Scheider now on his eternal Seaquest, Morgan Freeman is the only viable choice.

First Mate Bruce Willis: This man has been through for Die Hards, Demi Moore and a Fifth Element. There is nothing he can’t solve and no terrible situation he can’t endure. He’ll be the guy that gets it done if anyone will. He can just stare at the hole until it closes up itself because it knows it’s the right thing to do.

Sharon Stone: There’s no good reason to have her on the ship (or on the Earth for that matter – oooo burn) but she is contractually obligated to be on every risky underwater mission, movie or otherwise.

Steve Buscemi: We all know that on a trip like this, so far below the surface with death a possibility every nanosecond, someone is going to crack under the pressure. Having Steve Buscemi along will take the guesswork out of who is going to crack – we all know its going to be him. He will start, endure and finish the trip strapped to his bunk so he can do nothing to make the situation worse.

Plex: the magic robot from Yo Gabba Gabba – he should really be useful. Together these 5 sturdy adventurers will do the impossible and save our fractured mother earth.

And really, should the unthinkable happen and they fail worse than BP already has, they’re just actors so there’s no big loss.. well except for Morgan Freeman… and Plex.