Friday, June 18, 2010

Another Oil Disaster

Dear Solitary Reader:

I was going to do a touching article on how the World Cup is bringing everyone closer together in my office; well, it isn’t, so I can’t do that.

The German guy almost kicked the Serbian guy in the nads when his team lost today; the English guy isn’t talking to anyone and the French guy is crying over his cheese. Shameful. International sport is NOT bringing together my office,  it’s tearing it apart!

And so, I trolled the Interweb looking for something to call news. It wasn’t long before I found it. 

Now we’re all aware of the biggest, oiliest disaster since Geraldo Rivera’s hair ruining the Gulf of Mexico; the CEO of BP obviously took a dip in the waters off the Florida coast to coat himself in that slippery crude before he went before Congress because he slid through those questions like a Pelican through the hands of a rescue worker.

But now, while surfing the Internet on a lazy Friday evening, I have found the second greatest threat to the world’s oil supply: palaeontologists.

In the news today there’s this: Alberta scientists discover largest bed of dinosaur bones. When I first saw the headline I thought they were intimating that the dinosaurs had all died in the midst of an orgy, but such apparently was not the case; these chaste little Centrosauruseseseses were, most probably, wiped out by a tropical storm.

Now if I recall my high school biology the single greatest source of oil is still the blood of a baby Smurf (which is why gas costs so much because a baby Smurf doesn’t have a lot of oil in it and the the oil goes sour in the adult Smurfs, contaminated by their rampant smoking and drinking); but the second greatest source of oil comes from the bones of dinosaurs.*

And now there’s a bunch of paleontologists running around Alberta waking up dinosaurs from their years of long rest, disturbing the ghosts of the Centrosaurus and stealing their bones.

So now not only has BP deprived the world of millions of gallons of oil by letting it get contaminated with salt water; but scientists have just stolen millions …. and millions… of barrels of oil from the future by running off with these bones.

Thanks Science. Thanks ever so much.

* In the course of researching this article I learned that oil is no longer thought to come from bones of dinosaurs, but rather a fossilized plankton ancestor – let’s call it dinosaur plankton. WAS NOTHING THEY TAUGHT ME AS A CHILD REAL? Dammit, I refuse to believe you – this new spin on the creation of oil is merely the work of the same scientists who took away the Brontosaurus – they were obviously afraid people would fear that without the Brontosaurs the world’ oil supply would diminish much faster. Despite learning this, I wrote the article anyway.

No comments: