 | So in the news today we see that Canadian scientists have ripped away the mask of the “kind, caring, polite Canadians” the world has come to know and tolerate. Fresh from the national paper The Globe and Mail comes the article: How to Torture a Mouse. |
Okay as you can see the article isn’t about how to torture a mouse (because, as we all know, alls it takes is a plunger, some duct tape and a battery and they squeal like a maid in the house of Naomi Campbell). Instead this is an article that tells us that when experiencing pain, mice flinch and make other facial gestures.
The beneficial ramifications of this study are something along the lines of “we can tell that the mouse is hurting because it’s making a pain face and that’ll let us know whether other research we do is hurting the meeses.” I’m paraphrasing… just a wee bit. But really does it take a scientist to figure that one out? I can tell you’re hurting the mouse because of the electricity you’re shooting at it… and I’m not even a scientist!?!
There are two things that make this story wrong:
1) Somewhere in the article it tells us that, much like humans, the mice make pain faces when hurt. Has anyone noticed that they use mice for a lot of things because they’re just like humans? Well here’s a thing about humans – we are big on revenge. So if mice are enough alike humans to feel pain and show it, to test drugs on because they’re systems are similar then mice also probably like revenge. Rest assured some doofus is probably injecting some mice with super serum that’s going to result in a mouse that’s pissed off with humanity. You know what that’s going to look like?
Rodent of Unusual Size. Nuff Said.
2) And the other thing is: these scientists have just blown the cover of the greatest mask ever worn by a civilization. Canada for decades has been known as the nation of the polite, the home of humility, the core of caring and other such drivel. Everyone in Canada knows that’s a farce – we have our hates, our greeds, our lusts as much as the rest of the world – its coated with a thick sugar coating to disguise its evil core mind you, but its still there.
But now these scientists have, without taking it to a democratic vote, blown the cover off of our facade of kindness; but then, I guess a referendum would have been pointless because Canada hasn’t reached a decision on anything by election in decades – that’s right I’m talking about you minority government.
So world, we might as well own up to it. We’re Canadians. We’re evil. Do you know why nothing attacks Canada in the movies – why aliens will bypass our fair skies to descend upon our neighbours to the south? BECAUSE WE’RE IN LEAGUE WITH THEM. That’s right. You heard me.
And that’s not all.. if it weren’t for Canada, Coronation Street would have been cancelled long ago. WE DID THAT! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Alright that’s it. I’m out. I’ve got to go torture a mouse… I’m missing some cheese.
2 comments:
Us western New Yorkers have been hip (tragically) to the true nature of our neighbors on the other side of lake Ontario. Wilst other americans foolishly continue to underestimate Canada, we know differently. One of these days you guys are gonna snap and I am going to wake up to news of Amphibious landings on the Genesee, and news of blood running down the streets of Rochester, granted that might be an improvement.
Then we must have sensed true evil in you as well or you would have been visited by one of the "politeness" squads. You have kept our secret. When we take over everything in our mild mannered way we'll be sure not to tax you to death like we have our own people.
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