Sunday, May 30, 2010

I Have A Suggestion for U, Facebook

Dear Solitary Reader:

As I type this right now there is a little panel on the left of my Facebook home page telling me I should add some guy to my friend  list. I don’t know this person.

In fact, if you were to stand this person up next to a hole in the wall beside Bessie Smith and the boys from O-Town I wouldn’t know who the hell he was (though as I’m occasionally intelligent I may be able to puzzle it out. For instance I would start by eliminating Bessie Smith and then, reasoning that all the members of those boy bands of days gone by looked the similar I could reasonably pick who belonged in O-Town (or I would google a picture of them on my i-phone) and the person remaining would more than likely be this fellow that Facebook loves so much).

Yet Facebook is telling me that this dude should be my friend; now as I’m a friendly dude, and my humour is without parallel (thankfully),  I can see how it would be in his best interest to have me on his friend list. I mean, come on, memberships in the Fellowship of Bill comes with the access to the awesomeness that is the Fortress of Verisimilitude plus I can also cut up a shoe and a tomato (though not with the same knife).

But that’s not my point; my point, and I relish this because I so rarely have one, is that I don’t know this dude.

Everyday I log on and Facebook is suggesting that I should do something to make my life better; without any knowledge of the inner workings of my life. Facebook reminds me of a specific aunt, who without fail, tells me whenever I talk to her how to go about living my life. That’s right, Facebook is becoming that annoying relative everyone has, the one who knows everything about everything (because of the status updates) and gossips like all hell (again, thanks to those status updates). I never listened to my aunt, and I will not listen to you Facebook.

While logically it works out that the enemy of my enemy is my friend (and the enema of my enemy is his own business); it is not true that the friend of my friend is also my friend (although the enema of my friend is also his own business).

So John Kerr, I`m sure you’re awesome, and my life is a pale shadow of what it could be if I were to add you as my friend on Facebook I will not do so; to add you just because Facebook suggests it would validate that useless panel and therefore you and I shall be like two ships passing in the night… travelling on different oceans.

As for you Facebook – here’s my suggestion: take a long walk off a short pier.


Not Yet Friends with John Kerr

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