Monday, May 3, 2010

The Death of the Man From Atlantis


Yes this is Patrick Duffy

Right now as you read this there are litres upon litres of oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico. If you’re in the US, that’s gallons upon gallons of oil (you see? I write for an international audience!) spilling into the pristine oceans Mother Nature created for us (because God told her too). This has been going on since April 20th… that’s two weeks ago. You can spill a lot of oil in two weeks.

Gas companies, sensing a more firmer excuse than “we felt like it” to continue the financial raping of the working person, have used this spillage of oil to increase prices at the pump. Life continues. That is as long as you don’t live in the oceans in the Gulf of Mexico.

Green Peace, PETA and Charlie the Tuna will all preach to you about the catastrophic effects of such a colossal spill on the sea life in the Gulf of Mexico; pessimists will tell you that the area will never recover, optimists will tell you that there’s now one less step involved in deep frying fish (what do you mean it’s not that type of oil?).

But everyone talking about the effects of that messy little leak has already overlooked the worst possible thing that has happened due to BP’s little booboo: the Death of the Man from Atlantis.

Who was the Man from Atlantis you ask? Well before MacGyver ever stepped foot on that fabled continent Patrick Duffy, also known as the Man From Atlantis, was swimming under the sea saving turtles from Japanese harpooning ships and rescuing sea horses from sharks.

Growing up I can remember sitting with my mother late at night waiting for my father to come home from his job at the bar; we’d sit and play Sorry! (she cheated mercilessly and contrary to the name of the game never did apologize) and watching old TV shows (well they’re old now, less so then).

The Man From Atlantis was always one of my favourites and I was always surprised that my mother watched it because she was never a fan of the odd sci/fi shows. GAHHHH…. I just realized she liked the show because she got to watch Patrick Duffy in a bathing suit and threw up in my brain a little.

And so it it is with sadness I present to you the obituary for the Man From Atlantis, who’s oil soaked body washed up on the shore of the Gulf Of Mexico. Doctors, who seem to be all of a sudden driving fancy sport cars that they didn’t have before the press conference, assure us that this death was due to natural causes and had nothing to do with the massive amount of BP oil clogging tMfA’s lungs.

Name: Mark Harris
Weight: A svelt 185lb… soaking wet
Height: Taller than a dolphin, but shorter than a shark.
Life: Taken from us too early, Mark Harris, the was born in Atlanta… wait, what? oh Sorry, Mark was born in Atlantis. He lived to see his civilization sink into the ocean (well actually, it was a city under the sea so actually it sank further into the ocean).

He was a public figure for a time trying to rescue the oceans of the world from the evils of Mr. Schubert. Eventually he grew tired of life working at the university and moved to the driest place he could find, reasoning that no one would look for a man from the sea in Texas he because truly a fishman out of water.  Where did he go? Well Dallas of course.

Eventually Patrick Duff… er Mark Har.. er Namor… or… whatever his name was, like Legolas, heard the call of the sea birds and made his way to the Grey Havens. There he stepped majestically into the ocean and sought to swim back to to the ruins of his native Atlantis.

Yeah unfortunately that was on April 20th. The Man From Atlantis is survived by Flipper, the cast of Finding Nemo,  and the cast of Sea Quest with the exception of Roy Scheider and the career of Joxer the Mighty. In lieu of flowers donations can be made to your local food bank (always a good idea); but please no sea food.

God rest ye merry fishyman…

2 comments:

Praeriedog said...

You know, I read other people's blogs, and it basically stuff about their lives, and what's going on with them, and while that is good to know, do I wait for them to come out? Do I look forward to them, and come away afterwards smiling and refreshed? Like I've just finished a really good book, by an author whose words, put together, just come across in such a way that the whole is far greater than the individual pieces? I do not.

Man, I have to say, you are at the top of your game. :) I wondered who that was I saw washed up on the beach just west of here, in Tampa.. Now, sadly, I know. Unfortunately I was living in Cameroon at the time the show was on (no TV there, but loads of books to lose myself in), so I never got to see it. I take it the show was good? Or was it one of those shows that are good when you're a kid and watching again as an adult you discover that "Eww. I used to love this show??"

"Threw up in my brain a little." A classic line! I'm sorry to have to tell you this, considering it's an obituary and all, that I came away from this with a huge smile and laughing to myself inside. Just what I needed before the move to Atlanta.

Ah, Bill, I have SO missed your writing.

htwavcbh said...

Thanks for the kind words P-Dog and I'm glad you take from these things exactly what's supposed to be in there - nothing but fun!

tMfA was definitely one of those shows that is best left with the glorious coating of memory.

Glad you got a laugh and I shall endeavor to provide more!