Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Resistance is Futile

The situation was getting dangerous… From here on out we would have to be careful. Resources were at an all time low. It would be at least a day before we could address the situation and now things were dire. Paper towel was a consideration – but that’s in a wholly different room altogether and if caught could lead to an awkward situation.  Don’t think about it. If you think there’s enough… there will be..

So the other day the TP situation was getting on the dire side. We’d already shifted resources from the upstairs bathroom to the downstairs bathroom so that the situation was equal in both bathrooms – equally grim that is. My wife, the proactive soul that she is, took it upon herself to deal with the situation and ended it by buying more toilet paper. Crisis averted, have a nice day.

And one day later, while I’m in the loo having a whiz, thinking about nothing in particular and everything in general,  I notice the new pack of freedom from worry. Charmin – Extra Strong-Resistant. Now, in retrospect, the resistant my be some sort of French translation or something, but for the purposes of this blog I’m going to ignore any and all truth of the situation for the opportunity to sink into scatological humour.

This toilet paper is not just resistant, it is extra-resistant. If I were toilet paper I would be resisting only one thing – and that would be my intended purpose. I know this because sometimes it feels like I am the universes toilet paper.

I mean obviously the key to fulfilling your destiny is to accept that purpose for which you were made; but if you’ve go the self-awareness to be extra resistant, you’ve got the dignity to haul yourself up out of the sewer (I hope not literally, that would be messy) and be more than what you were meant to be.

I have a question – does the toilet paper get extra resistant in the case of an EMP (Extra Messy Poo)? I guess you wouldn’t be able to tell until the situation arose – but you could probably extrapoolate.

And they’re not kidding when they say this stuff is extra strong – its got the consistency of a tenser bandage if that helps you visualize things at all (and if it does, sorry about that). Honestly, its like they took the tape the victor has to cross in a marathon and rolled it up and said: There ya go, hep y’self.

Realistically, TP, there’s no point in billing yourself as resistant – because until you have opposable thumbs there’s not much you can do.

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