Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Quantum Mechanical Non-Adventures of Mr. Bill

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I trip in the elliptical trainer. I crash head first into the wall. My neck breaks. Consciousness fades. Doh!

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. I head downstairs. I have breakfast. I collect my rent in My Town. It’s cold downstairs too. I go outside. My neighbour screams: “Ahh pervert!” I look down. I’m not wearing any clothes. That explains the cold. I look up to laugh with her to see she’s holding a gun. My neighbour has a gun? She didn’t seem the type. Before I can laugh at the hilarity she shoots me. Something against perverts obviously. Consciousness fades. And I didn’t even find out what day it was…

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door. I trip over the grey cat on the top step. As I plummet down the stairs I that this cat has been waiting years for this moment. I crash head first into the wall. My neck breaks. Consciousness fades. I have won again Lews Therin… what the hell?

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Two scoops of Raisins. I’m hungry and without thought shovel the cereal down my throat. It’s sharp. Instinctually I swallow. I can feel the sharpness in my gut, tearing me up. Damn product tampering. Mercifully consciousness fades and takes the pain with it. Should have went with the Cheerios…

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… my computer blows up and my head disintegrates. Didn’t see that coming did you? Me either.

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I trip on a child’s toy. I fall. My car key enters my eye and punctures my brain. Consciousness fades. I saw that one coming. It’s Thursday!

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out… I have a small window to notice there is a piano falling from the sky. CRASH. Do you know the piano’s on my liver? You hum a few bars son, I’ll play it.

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out…   I won’t bore you (any further) with the details. I cross 147 intersections on my way to work. In each of them I had several accidents for several various reasons and died from all of them. The car is a dangerous place to be.  I will have to say that I never expected the tyrannosaurus rex. But who does?

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out…  after what seems like an eternity (did I tell you that a friend of mine is the uncle of Eternity? That is not a good name for a kid) I make it safely to work. I get out of the car and into the elevator. I press the button for the 2nd floor. The elevator promptly shoots up to the fourth floor and pauses. I barely have time to notice that there are sharp things in the cereal I’ve just hurled up when the elevator plummets to the bottom. As the top of the elevator crashes into the back of my head consciousness fades… turns out stairs are healthier for you…

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out…  after what seems like an eternity (did I tell you that a friend of mine is the uncle of Eternity? That is not a good name for a kid) I make it safely to work. I get out of the car and look at the elevator…. I think I’ll take the stairs. I huff and puff up 4 flights. On the top step my bag slips open and my lunch falls out. “Well,” I think to myself. “if that’s the worst that happens to me, it’ll be a good day!” While reaching for my yogurt I slip on my banana and fall down the four flights of stairs, breaking my neck. As consciousness fades my last thought is: So much for stairs being healthier for you…

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out…  after what seems like an eternity (did I tell you that a friend of mine is the uncle of Eternity? That is not a good name for a kid) I make it safely to work. I get out of the car. For some reason I’m unsure whether to take the stairs or the elevator. Laziness wins. The elevator ride is quick and painless. The door opens – as I exit the door shuts on my leg slicing it off above the knee. As I bleed out I think: “I wonder if they’ll make a CSI episode out of this?”

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out…  after what seems like an eternity (did I tell you that a friend of mine is the uncle of Eternity? That is not a good name for a kid) I make it safely to work. I get out of the car. For some reason I’m unsure whether to take the stairs or the elevator. Laziness wins. The elevator ride is quick and painless. The door opens, I exit. I enter work. I sit down.
Finally my day has begun – but why does it feel like its been a full day already?

Conclusion

The Everett many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics says there is a world for every choice (I did some reading of it and if I misinterpreted it, at least there is a universe out there where I’m correct)  – a multiverse out there with infinite copies of yourself dealing with the consequences of various choices you made throughout the day.

In each of the universes above something happened and I didn’t make it to work today. I made choices and my previous/other/alternate selves paid the price for those choices. Friends, readers, universe mates – the only way we can save these other versions of ourselves are to make no choices (which in some universes is a choice unto itself). If you have read this. Stay where you are. Do nothing and don’t move for by moving you invite danger.

Protect your futures.

1 comment:

Carole said...

I'm sorry you died so many times. I cried in each reality.