Men in Skirts and Ninjas Riding Bicycles

If you go out of your door today, here’s what you might see I hope it doesn’t happen to you, but it happened to me; There was no bear on a tricycle, but maybe it was the lunar cycle But today’s the day the ninjas ride their bicycles

Mondays are crappy days. Mondays after flex days are especially crappy. If you’re not familiar with the concept of flex days basically one works a longer work day so that on the tenth day he/she/it can rest. It’s like having a long weekend every two weeks (don’t worry though, the magic of the real long weekend is still maintained). Back to my point.

Mondays mark the first day of the week where you have to wake up to the shrieking harpy that is your alarm clock. Do the routine: get dressed, go downstairs, eat, leave and drive to work assuming none of THIS  happens to you. This morning however was a little different.  This morning I saw a couple of odd things that put a little more lustre in a Monday than might otherwise be there and the first was: a ninja, riding a bicycle.

You know how sometimes you’re driving along and see something out of the corner of your eye and you’re not quite sure what it was you saw? This wasn’t that. This guy was a ninja. And he was riding a bike. And he was a responsible ninja because he was also wearing a helmet.

So how do I know he was a ninja you ask? You didn’t ask? Well I can tell you were about to so here’s how, aside from the ninja stars sticking out of his helmet this man was dressed in full ninja regalia. He was wearing black pants, black shirt, black shoes; in short (not in shorts) he was dressed like a man whose occupation it is to skulk in the shadows and kill for hire.

Also, underneath the helmet he was wearing a black mask. All you could see were his eyes. Cold, calculating killers eyes. I knew what he was thinking… THE DRAGON’S FIRE BURNS HOT!

I drove on pretty sure that this was the weirdest thing I was going to see this morning…

If you go out of your door today, here’s what you might see
I hope it doesn’t happen to you, but it happened to me;
I saw a fellow, let’s call him Kurt whose sense of dress was inert
For today was the day that Kurt thought he should a skirt to work

In retrospect, living in Vancouver, seeing a man in a skirt isn’t all that uncommon but I think the difference here stemmed both from the fact that Kurt as a man was unattractive (at least as I judge such things, but I’m not the best judge for male attractiveness because I swing for the straight team) – Kurt as a woman didn’t just hop over the hideous line but jumped, leapt and vaulted into that level of visual distinctiveness heretofore reserved only for Rosie O’Donnell and Rita McNeil.

Now while one part of my mind is trying to merge Odetta with Detta to get the Lady of Shadows, another part of me is wondering if probably this man was in fact Kurt McCloud of the Clan McCloud. Because the only other acceptable explanation for Kurt’s choice of dress (even the fact that it may have been laundry day was no excuse) was nationality. Kurt may have been Scottish. It may have been a kilt.

I’m trying to convince myself this was the case but one thing works against accepting that explanation: Kurt’s skirt was grey with no visible signs of a tartan indicating clan. The normal mind might take this as a sign that all was as it was seen to be; but the normal mind is not what saw Kurt, and if the normal mind did see Kurt then the normal mind would not remain normal for that much longer.  So it seems obvious to me that Kurt was a member of the Clan McCloud.

The history of the Clan McCloud is one of immense ups and downs and it’s tied intimately to the Highlander series of movies. The clan experienced a massive upswing with the general populace and indeed with other clans after the first movie gained such a cult following; in fact, the clan McCloud was poised to take over the top position in the Bloody Great Men which is the street name for the Scottish underground Mafia (I’ll make ye an offerrr… ye canna rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrefuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse). But after the release of Highlander’s 2 through 4, Sean Connery, who is as God to those people, turned his face away and the clan was stripped of its tartan.

And so Kurt McCloud of the Clan McCloud walked wherever he was walking and I drove wherever I was driving and our worlds kept turning, each in its own orbit.

If you go out of your door today, here’s what you might see
I hope it doesn’t happen to you, but it happened to me;
Just keep the look off of your face
the world is a strange and frightening space
Today’s the day you’ll see strange things all over the place

The Quantum Mechanical Non-Adventures of Mr. Bill

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have… 5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I trip in the elliptical trainer. I crash head first into the wall. My neck breaks. Consciousness fades. Doh!

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. I head downstairs. I have breakfast. I collect my rent in My Town. It’s cold downstairs too. I go outside. My neighbour screams: “Ahh pervert!” I look down. I’m not wearing any clothes. That explains the cold. I look up to laugh with her to see she’s holding a gun. My neighbour has a gun? She didn’t seem the type. Before I can laugh at the hilarity she shoots me. Something against perverts obviously. Consciousness fades. And I didn’t even find out what day it was…

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door. I trip over the grey cat on the top step. As I plummet down the stairs I that this cat has been waiting years for this moment. I crash head first into the wall. My neck breaks. Consciousness fades. I have won again Lews Therin… what the hell?

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Two scoops of Raisins. I’m hungry and without thought shovel the cereal down my throat. It’s sharp. Instinctually I swallow. I can feel the sharpness in my gut, tearing me up. Damn product tampering. Mercifully consciousness fades and takes the pain with it. Should have went with the Cheerios…

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… my computer blows up and my head disintegrates. Didn’t see that coming did you? Me either.

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I trip on a child’s toy. I fall. My car key enters my eye and punctures my brain. Consciousness fades. I saw that one coming. It’s Thursday!

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out… I have a small window to notice there is a piano falling from the sky. CRASH. Do you know the piano’s on my liver? You hum a few bars son, I’ll play it.

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out…   I won’t bore you (any further) with the details. I cross 147 intersections on my way to work. In each of them I had several accidents for several various reasons and died from all of them. The car is a dangerous place to be.  I will have to say that I never expected the tyrannosaurus rex. But who does?

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out…  after what seems like an eternity (did I tell you that a friend of mine is the uncle of Eternity? That is not a good name for a kid) I make it safely to work. I get out of the car and into the elevator. I press the button for the 2nd floor. The elevator promptly shoots up to the fourth floor and pauses. I barely have time to notice that there are sharp things in the cereal I’ve just hurled up when the elevator plummets to the bottom. As the top of the elevator crashes into the back of my head consciousness fades… turns out stairs are healthier for you…

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out…  after what seems like an eternity (did I tell you that a friend of mine is the uncle of Eternity? That is not a good name for a kid) I make it safely to work. I get out of the car and look at the elevator…. I think I’ll take the stairs. I huff and puff up 4 flights. On the top step my bag slips open and my lunch falls out. “Well,” I think to myself. “if that’s the worst that happens to me, it’ll be a good day!” While reaching for my yogurt I slip on my banana and fall down the four flights of stairs, breaking my neck. As consciousness fades my last thought is: So much for stairs being healthier for you…

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out…  after what seems like an eternity (did I tell you that a friend of mine is the uncle of Eternity? That is not a good name for a kid) I make it safely to work. I get out of the car. For some reason I’m unsure whether to take the stairs or the elevator. Laziness wins. The elevator ride is quick and painless. The door opens – as I exit the door shuts on my leg slicing it off above the knee. As I bleed out I think: “I wonder if they’ll make a CSI episode out of this?”

This didn’t happen to me today but it could have…

5:45am The alarm goes off again. What day is it? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. For the most part they’re all the same. I get up. I look at the elliptical trainer and carefully step around it. It’s cold. “Clothes” I mumble. “Must remember clothes.” Dressed now I open the door and carefully step around the cat. “Willow,” I say. Oddly she looks disappointed. I head downstairs. I pour my cereal. Oddly I examine my cereal but its just two scoops of raisins in this bowl of raisin bran so I take it to my computer and eat it. I collect my rent in My Town. Answer an email from my sister… she’s well. I place my bowl in the sink. I pour my coffee into my travel mug. I take out my key. I close the door. I say hey to my neighbour who for some odd reason is up at this hour and holding a gun. She waves at me. I head to the car. I pull out. I drive down the complex lane way. All clear. I pull out…  after what seems like an eternity (did I tell you that a friend of mine is the uncle of Eternity? That is not a good name for a kid) I make it safely to work. I get out of the car. For some reason I’m unsure whether to take the stairs or the elevator. Laziness wins. The elevator ride is quick and painless. The door opens, I exit. I enter work. I sit down.
Finally my day has begun – but why does it feel like its been a full day already?

Conclusion

The Everett many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics says there is a world for every choice (I did some reading of it and if I misinterpreted it, at least there is a universe out there where I’m correct)  – a multiverse out there with infinite copies of yourself dealing with the consequences of various choices you made throughout the day.

In each of the universes above something happened and I didn’t make it to work today. I made choices and my previous/other/alternate selves paid the price for those choices. Friends, readers, universe mates – the only way we can save these other versions of ourselves are to make no choices (which in some universes is a choice unto itself). If you have read this. Stay where you are. Do nothing and don’t move for by moving you invite danger.

Protect your futures.

Technorati Tags: Quantum Mechanics,Lews Therim,Everett

House of the Rising Fur

Dear Solitary Reader: While surfing the interweb today I ran across the following story: 3 charged in Edmonton rabbit house case. In case you can’t read (what are you doing here?) this story tells the tail… er tale… of 600 or so rabbits that had to be put down by the humane society because of three idiots who mistook the concept of having animals for taking care of animals.

This article isn’t about those three idiots – there is a special place in hell reserved for those people and it is occupied by one wee bunny… but he’s a ferocious killer… look at the bones!

This is a sad story dealing with death and a depth of apathetic depravity in the human condition that I can’t comprehend – therefore I will do what I do in all such instances: I will make fun of it.

With that in mind I present you the following parody of House of the Rising Sun.

House of the Rising Fur

There is a house in Edmonton
It was full of rabbit fur
It's been the raising of many a fur coat
But now its causing a stir

The mother was a moron
The son he was one too
The grandmother in a wheel chair
Ran over the rabbit poo

Now the only thing a tailor requires
Is some rabbits for to breed;
Just start with two, ten minutes later
You'll have all you need.

Oh mother tell your children
Not to do what they have done
If you have to have so many rabbits
just stop at one hundred and one

Well I got this story from the CBC
It was on the daily news
Reading about these idiots
Is givin' me the blues

Cause there is a house in Edmonton
They call the Rabbit House
They had 600 rabbits there
And there neighbours collected grouse.

And there you have it.

I say give this a couple of weeks and its going to be a CSI episode.