Wednesday, June 13, 2012

If I Were a TV Network Executive

image Dear Solitary Reader,

I’ve had a lot of time to sit and think lately, as my foot recuperates, and although I’ve been rediscovering blogging, I’ve also been paying more attention to the TV than I usually do; as a result I have a flurry of television images whirling around in my head, so it’s probably no surprise some of them are starting to mix and match.

Also as I sit and languish I look at my life’s career path, and I daydream of something different. I could leave the exciting world of property assessment, and start out on the road to becoming what everyone wants to be when they grow up, a television network exec!

But how? I’m starting out late in life, how am I going to distinguish myself from the cotillion of other faceless would-be executives? I need hooks! Not pirate hooks, although that would be cool (as long as it was an affectation, and not a necessity), I need something to get their attention and show them I could be a force majeure in the world of Television. But what to do?
And then it comes to me. I can do what every 80s television executive did when they got stuck for an idea: television cross over!

So without further ado, I present my hooks.

Old Spice Commercials + Dune

There have been a couple of Dune mini-series on TV and I’ve been a fan of both of them, not to mention the 1980s movie. I’ve read the first couple of books and have a handle on the world. I mean one of the coolest things about this series is that it is the first I can recall where people got to wear personal force fields; and as someone who likes his personal space, that’s gold. There’s a rich history in the world as created by Frank Herbert, and continued on to relative degrees of success by his offspring. It’s obviously time for this franchise to make its return to television.
But like all good TV Execs, I can’t just sit back and let the people who are paid to be creative do their work, I have to put MY stamp on this thing, and as I look across the vast realm of TV land I see it; it’s so obvious I can’t believe it hasn’t been done already.
Look at your screen. Now look at me. Look back at your screen. Now look at me. That’s right. One of the most popular advertising campaigns in recent days is the Old Spice series of commercials and correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t there this thing in the Dune universe (Duniverse? Ah yeah) about spice?

This is golden people. It has to be done. When I become a TV Executive, this is getting done.

This is golden people. It has to be done. When I become a TV Executive, this is getting done. It’s only natural for the Old Spice guy to be Muad’Dib, prophesized saviour... I mean have you seen that guy? If anyone on the planet is destined to be a messianic figure it’s him (and I say that without any bromancing or man-crushing).

And also, Dune is like hot. People will need deodorant.

The Old Spice must flow.

Game Show of Thrones

One of the more popular television series of late has been HBOs Game of Thrones based on the popular, and now much more so, series of novels by George R.R. Martin. My plan will be to use this very popular series to bring back one of the long floundering niches of television: The Game Show.

Every episode will have one of the main characters of Game of Thrones, in character, on one of the age old popular television game shows.

Tyrion on Wheel of Fortune, Varis the Spider on Jeopardy, Cersei Lannister on The Bachelor (it’s a reality show, but that’s extra points really), this stuff is Lannister Gold!

And just like the TV series, Game Show of Thrones will have plenty of nudity and sex – just like backstage of The Price is Right back in the day (before they had Bob Barker spayed and neutered).

The Muppets + Star Trek

My next totally awesome idea will be to take two of my television life’s greatest franchises and smash them together thereby increasing their awesomeness exponentially.
While I’ve been laid up I’ve been rediscovering my love of Star Trek. I’ve been watching pretty much every incarnation and although I’m not a great fan of Voyager and Deep Space Nine, I can lose time with pretty much any character from any of the franchises. Star Trek did wonderful things for sci-fi. With the popularity of the latest JJ Abrams directed movie, now’s the time to capitalize.

Growing up, I was a fan of the Muppets. Now I’m older. I’m still a fan of the Muppets. The Muppets are TV’s Twinkies, they never get stale. And Muppets already have space experience; after all Gonzo is an alien, and need I mention Pigs in Space and Deep Dish Nine?
Also let’s face it. Farscape isn’t coming back, so television totally needs a human/Muppet space television program.

My vision for this show isn’t your typical light hearted Star Trek fare, at the end of each episode everything won’t be back to the way it was before. Picture this:

Star Date: 90210 (hehe) Captain’s Log.... The latest incarnation of the USS Enterprise, Destroyer Class, begins a new mission in the 32nd Century to try and recreate the long lost federation of planets under the auspices of the New Federation, a collection of about 40 planets or so. The crew will be a mix of human and Muppets and the mission will be to recruit new planets into the Federation and each episode, or story arc, will be trying to bring in a new planet.

But a freak time storm unleashes an age old enemy. The Borg make their return into the realm of Star Trek (hey, they brought the borg into Enterprise, I can too) and many of the Crew are taken and join the Borg hive. One such notable and lovable loss will be the Swedish Chef who will become the new Borg King – Smorgas of Borg.


Unlike when Picard got converted, there ain’t no getting Swedie back. This is dark stuff. It’s like Greg the Bunny dark.

I’d watch it, wouldn't you?

Armed with these great ideas I shall go forth into the world of television and I shall conquer. Oh, and I’ll change the name of the television station back to Sci-Fi... because changing the name to Sy-Fy was a dumber idea than any of the ones I’ve had in this blog.

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