What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead Ant.... dead ant....

I am frickin’ weirded out.

The fact that I’m trying to type anything of length with a finger in a splint might tell you how much this is bugging me. Because right now that’s the other thing that’s bugging me: typing with my finger in a splint. That’s another story.

We have ants in the house. A lot of them. We’ve moved past the point where they’re coming in from outside, they’re now in the house. We’re taking steps to deal with them and the pest control people have been pretty darned good.

But that doesn’t matter. They’re there. We know they’re there. And for everyone we kill there seems to be another.

This must be how Leonidas felt when he stood at the pass of Thermopylae and saw all those Persians below; the hopelessness that you feel but must not show as you face what seems like overwhelming numbers. While the situation isn’t life or death (well not for me, but for the ants it is), and they’re just ants, I’m still freaked.

But why am I freaked?

I’m a 34 yr old man, sittin’ north of 250lbs (working on that). I’m bigger than these guys. Why am I freaked out?

• Maybe it’s all the legs… there’s a lot of appendages on one ant… there’s even more on two… for every one ant there’s another six legs.
• Maybe it’s because they work so well together… I never did well In "plays well with others" on the report card…
• Maybe it’s because they take orders from a woman… nah, I’m married so that can’t be it (hehehe okay they’re not orders they’re just more sensible suggestions than what I would have come up with).

I have no idea why they give me the creeps, but while my son is playing with his trains on the floor and there’s an ant three inches away; he’s totally oblivious to it while I’m running to save his life and get that ant. It’s not as if one ant is going to carry him off… he weighs 36lbs so in order for an ant that can carry 10x its weight to carry him off that ant would have to weigh 3.6lbs… I’d notice that one.

I need to get over this. This weekend will either make me or break me. I’m going to be digging dirt away from the sides of the house and putting down gravel and that’s where the ants are – in the dirt by the house.

It’s like Fear Factor… but I don’t have to eat them… and they got paid. Until I get over this every time a breeze tickles a hair I’m going to think it’s an ant. Every speck on the floor will be an ant. Every time the stupid floaters in my eye which I’ve accrued move I’m going to think it’s an ant.

I need to get over this.