Radia-radical

A couple of weeks ago our range top microwave died. Normally microwaving in the household is a rather interesting adventure, because this thing sucked up power like … well something that sucks up a lot of power.

It was not uncommon for ye olde microwave to trip yon breaker and to hear my exclamation of “SHIT!” as my computer, the alarm clock, the TV, the lights, the small light over the kitchen sink, the printer, my wife’s computer and a host of other things all got an immediate and well earned break.

But in the last couple of weeks I’ve missed ol’Mike (that’s now its name, I christen thee Mike, in nomine patre blah blah blah) and the ability to heat food from frozen in 3 minutes.

I can now go back to playing that game of “Let’s see what Freezer item this was before it froze!” and not have to way 23 hours for the results.

So how did Mike the Microwave get fixed? Well through fortune and the grace of God I married a smart woman – a smart woman who also happens to be very Dutch. The smartness played out in that she knew to research our particular model and found out that Mike’s family isn’t that great of a family of microwaves – they are genetically predisposed towards breakage you might say. And too, she called up yon store from whence Mike came and they said: “Sounds like a fuse – that’ll be four bucks. Oh and be careful when yer changin the fuse to make sure the capacitor ain’t full – y’all could die.

Um… what you say? DIe?

First off, outside the frickin’ Star ship Enterprise what the hell is a capacitor doing on earth? And second – why is it possible for my microwave to kll me? Even after its died? The only thing that is allowed to kill me after its died are vampires, zombies, lichs, ghouls and Oprah… oh wait I already said ghoul didn’t I?

Well after some moments of trepidation I reached my hand in… and that’s when it happened. … nothing. The fuse popped out fairly easily, I popped in the new one, plugged Mike in and he lit up like Kiristie Alley at a buffet.

Welcome back to the fam-damily Mike. I just hope the Dilithium crystals hold up…

Talkin’ bout my generation

So over the lovely meal my wife cooked today she informed me that apparently studies are starting to show that non-stick pans have negative side effects on the human body.

I didn’t dare ask if she’d used the non-stick skillet to cook supper.

When I heard the news I felt a sense of disappointment, and yes fear, all out of sorts with the disclosure of so small a fact. When you think about it, of course non-stick pans are bad for you – non stick pans do not occur in nature (well, perhaps downriver from some old 1970s Dupont plants they do) and therefore there’s bound to be all sorts side effects. Now, I haven’t seen the studies myself, and I don’t think the scientists will be able to make the accusations stick (haha).

Whenever I look back on my childhood, adolescence and the rest of the fiasco that is my life I am yet again convinced that my generation, and people 10 years on either side of it, were mere tests subjects for someone or something.

Thanks to the myriad of skinned knees they no longer put cement on playgrounds (some of them even have some sort of weather resistant rubber finish that prevents skins) and the merry-go-round, causer of much child v&v (vertigo and vomiting) has been banished.

Back in the 80s you could get anything in a can – spray crackers, spray cheese and spray tuna and with three easy sprays you had yourself an hors d'oeuvres. Once you compress something into a can and shoot it out of a nozzle, I’m fairly certain whatever nutritional value existed in the first place remains in the can.

And you can’t tell me that all of the cereals we imbibed as children haven’t contributed to the decay of society (and the increase in dentists). I am fairly certain, for instance, that Puffed Wheat was merely Styrofoam packing peanuts with some food colouring thrown in.

Does anyone remember the Pixie Stick? Yeah, I’m fairly certain that piece of sugar shite is why I’m bald right now; its fairly common knowledge that increased sugar intake as a child causes an acceleration of the cells within the hair follicle causing them to burn out faster.

Don’t get me wrong – if you were to whack me in the face with that very same Pixie stick right now I would beg you for it. I loved those things. Think about it – there has to be a reason that half of the candies we bought, ate and loved as kids are no longer in existence.

So back to the non-stick. I’m assuming that its when the non-stick particles come off the pan and you eat them that that’s where the problem lies (and you thought that was pepper!); but here’s the good news – chances are, as its non-stick, the particles won’t stick inside you.

This situation has another down side because if they take it off of the market  a whole generation of people will be deprived of the dependable joke of: How do they get the non-stick surface to stick to the pan?

Technorati Tags: non-stick,harmful,pixie sticks,80s,eighties

CNN, Why are you yelling at me?

I made the mistake of turning on CNN today – well I didn’t consciously turn it on, it was more of an accident.

After roughly 15 seconds of the verbal barrage I felt pretty bad about myself, my gender, my country, Haiti, missing children and the entire world. I felt bad about everything. Of course I had the misfortune of tuning in right at the point where Nancy Grace was on.

I don’t get how that woman is on TV. I’m not so shallow (anymore) to believe every woman on TV should be gorgeous (though hey, it would be nice) but this woman looks like she posed as a model for the ugly stick. Ironically its not her face, or not just her face; in pictures  on the CNN web site she almost looks like your normal run of the mill type of middle age woman, just not the sort you’d want to get on the wrong side of in a PTA meeting mind you..

But the moment that woman opens her mouth its like a great roaring gush of negativity – the world is a horrible place when that woman speaks.

It’s not just her – its all of them. In the brief period between when I realized I was being sucked into an emotional black hole and the time I could find the remote control to turn the TV off Ms Grace was interviewing 2 reporters who were reporting on some story. Both reporters started off their comments with “Now of course, we don’t know what happened…'”

I say to you, reporter, if you don’t know what happened – why are you on my TV telling me this? I already don’t know what happened, your job is to rectify that situation.

CNN – and I’m assuming Fox news is probably the same way but happily I don’t think I’ve ever seen it – seems to believe that by yelling the story at you, its that much more important. Volume equals importance.  Seriously, hasn’t anyone told Nancy Grace that she doesn’t have to yell at us? She’s on TV, we can’t interrupt her. And its funny because it doesn’t matter what volume level you have the TV at – by that point I had turned it down substantially and it was like she was speaking with her Capslock on.

I get that CNN has to compete for market share in the world of TV and that the only way to make sure that people stay constantly tuned in is to have story after story that is not in fact a story after story; and I know that 24 hours is a lot of time for a news station to be on the air so 23 hours of that broadcast is either filler or repeat story … I just wish they wouldn’t yell.

Technorati Tags: CNN,news,Nancy Grace,yelling

Why Can’t Castle Age Money Be Real?

I don’t tend to play a lot of games that circle around Facebook, as an example I managed to get off the Farmville wagon before it got too crazy,  but one of the ones I’ve actually been keeping up on is Castle Age.

If you’re familiar with it, Castle Age, puts you in the harrowing situation of having to save several lands from various torturous villains hell bent on destroying the world, ruling the world, ruling then destroying the world, destroying and then ruling the pieces etc etc.

As you quest you hire generals to do various things. You can’t do certain quests unless you have the right general, but other than that these generals sit around like city workers (you know, two of them stand around talking about last nights episode of 24 while the guy with the least seniority actually digs the hole).

If you’re the confrontational sort you can attack other players, if you’re not you can just build up your defence and let them attack you until they lose. If you’re the cooperate sort you can help your friends fight dragons and villains and sea monsters (oh my!).

But while you do all of these things you accrue money. You can use this money to buy certain minions and real estate, but after awhile you have X amount of minions and lands, and like Solomon you look around and realize that its all empty. All the villains you defeated are still there and all the land you have keeps providing you with your own nice little feudal income.

I certainly don’t want to make the game sound boring, trust me this game is as exciting as repeatedly clicking “Attack Again” can be.

I’m currently on the verge of lvl 127 so I’ve definitely wasted my fair share of time on it.

So here’s the problem – after getting tired of repeatedly being attacked and have my easy earned cash stolen by people I started banking it (at a cost of 10% of the deposit these Castle Age bastards are worse then the buggers at the Royal Bank) and am up to about 3.1 billion dollars.  That’s right $3.1 billion dollars.

Then I got tired of losing my 10% and stopped banking it. Coming by that cash wasn’t easy you know… I risked carpal tunnel syndrome for that. So currently my non-banked Castle Age funds are in the neighbourhood of $7.7 Billion dollars. That, combined with the banked funds, puts me pretty close to 11 billion Castle Age dollars. I mean realistically if this were real money I’d have enough to buy several of the Atlantic Canada provinces and a couple of the New England states; at which point I would set up my own little dictatorship on the Eastern Seaboard which I would call Billopia and outlaw the mallard.

I’m just waiting for the day when the makers of Castle Age work out a deal with the government of Ghana to have them convert their national currency to Castle Age Bucks (which will affectionately be known as the “CAB”) at which point I will move to Ghana and set myself up as a successful man about town… does Ghana have towns?

I just hope the makers of Castle Age don’t see this and expel me from playing the game… if they do, look for the following email:

FROM:MR BILL

DEAR FRIEND,

I AM LITTLE BILL, Son OF LATE PRESIDENT BILL OF Castle Age? NOW KNOWN AS DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF Castle Age Land I AM MOVED TO WRITE YOU THIS LETTER, THIS WAS IN CONFIDENCE CONSIDERING MY PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCE AND SITUATION.

I ESCAPED ALONG WITH MY Mother AND TWO OF HER SONS JAMES KONGOLO AND BASHER NZANGA OUT OF DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF Castle Age Land TO ABIDJAN, COTE D'IVOIRE WHERE MY FAMILY AND I SETTLED, WHILE WE LATER MOVED TO SETTLED IN MORROCO WHERE MY Father LATER DIED OF CANCER DISEASE. HOWEVER DUE TO THIS SITUATION WE DECIDED TO CHANGED MOST OF MY Father'S BILLIONS OF DOLLARS DEPOSITED IN Castle AGE BANK AND OTHER COUNTRIES INTO OTHER FORMS OF MONEY CODED FOR SAFE PURPOSE BECAUSE THE NEW HEAD OF STATE OF (DR) MR LAURENT KABILA HAS MADE ARRANGEMENT WITH THE Castle Age GOVERNMENT AND OTHER EUROPEAN COUNTRIES TO FREEZE ALL MY LATE HUSBAND'S TREASURES DEPOSITED IN SOME EUROPEAN COUNTRIES.

HENCE MY family AND I DECIDED LAYING LOW IN AFRICA TO STUDY THE SITUATION TILL WHEN THINGS GETS BETTER, LIKE NOW THAT PRESIDENT KABILA IS DEAD AND THE SON TAKING OVER (JOSEPH KABILA). ONE OF MY LATE Father'S CHATEAUX IN SOUTHERN FRANCE WAS CONFISCATED BY THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT, AND AS SUCH I HAD TO CHANGE MY IDENTITY SO THAT MY INVESTMENT WILL NOT BE TRACED AND CONFISCATED.

I HAVE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF EIHGTEEN BLLION Castle Age DOLLARS(US$18,000,000,00.) WITH A SECURITY COMPANY , FOR SAFEKEEPING. THE FUNDS ARE SECURITY CODED TO PREVENT THEM FROM KNOWING THE CONTENT. WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS TO INDICATE YOUR INTEREST THAT YOU WILL ASSIST US BY RECEIVING THE MONEY ON OUR BEHALF.ACKNOWLEDGE THIS MESSAGE, SO THAT I CAN INTRODUCE YOU TO MY SON ( KONGOLO ) WHO HAS THE OUT MODALITIES FOR THE CLAIM OF THE SAID FUNDS.

I WANT YOU TO ASSIST IN INVESTING THIS MONEY, BUT I WILL NOT WANT MY IDENTITY REVEALED. I WILL ALSO WANT TO BUY PROPERTIES AND STOCK IN MULTI-NATIONAL COMPANIES AND TO ENGAGE IN OTHER SAFE AND NON-SPECULATIVE INVESTMENTS. MAY I AT THIS POINT EMPHASISE THE HIGH LEVEL OF CONFIDENTIALITY, WHICH THIS BUSINESS DEMANDS, AND HOPE YOU WILL NOT BETRAY THE TRUST AND CONFIDENCE, WHICH I REPOSE IN YOU. IN CONCLUSION, IF YOU WANT TO ASSIST US , MY SELF SHALL PUT YOU IN THE PICTURE OF THE BUSINESS, TELL YOU WHERE THE FUNDS ARE CURRENTLY BEING MAINTAINED AND ALSO DISCUSS OTHER MODALITIES INCLUDING REMUNERATION FOR YOUR SERVICES.

FOR THIS REASON KINDLY FURNISH US YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION, THAT IS YOUR PERSONAL TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER FOR CONFIDENTIAL PURPOSE AND ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL USING THE ABOVE EMAIL ADDRESS.

BEST REGARDS,

Bill… er, someone who wasn’t banned from Castle Age.

Silencio

Dear Solitary Reader,

My apologies if I haven’t been around as of late. Here’s why: I have this thing whereby every now and then my iris gets really angry and threatens to hulk out and eventually explode. It hasn’t actually happened yet, and hopefully won’t, and I’m not sure the iris will actually you know – pop – but it sounds dramatic doesn’t it?

The particular malady is named iritus, which I still think is some sort of conjugation of the Latin verb of writing. “Iritus, Irotus, Iratus (I write it, I wrote it, they’re mad at me cause it sucked) and its an inflammation of the, wait for it, iris of the eye. Part of the issue is that the iris gets pushed forward and sticks to the cornea and that’s where I’m at:


That’s me – the man with the moon in his eye. Take a look at that whacky shape, that’s because the bottom of the iris is stuck to the front of the eye.


Nice eh?

But what causes this you ask? Well after some testing the medicals told me I have this condition called ankylosing spondylitis – a cousin of rheumatoid arthritis. Click the link for all that you’ve ever, or will ever, want and/or need to know about Ankle low sing Sponge Bob Itis.

One of the more interesting presentations of this thing is that the spine has the potential to fuse together. I did some research a while ago and found another such critter.

This is the ankylosaurus. Notice the fused spine? So if my faith in science is correct, this is what I’m going to look like in about look like in about 40 years. At which point I will become a crime fighter… or an armadillo with an attitude.


So that’s why you haven’t heard from me – I can’t see well enough for any prolonged computational activity. But like Arnold Schwarzenegger said in that movie: “You’re Fired”

Sincerely,

Me

PS I have not forgotten the purpose – when I get better it will blossom.

Rebel, Now With Cause

Dear Solitary Reader:

For years I have walked the earth with no sense of purpose and no reason for being (except, you know, for family & friends and stuff); a soulless vessel of little worth, a man with many talents but no cause in which to use them.

All that has changed. I have changed. With the turning of the year has come a turning of my spirit and I see about me where need lies and where wrongs must be addressed. I have found something in this new year to give me pause; I have found something in this new year to give me cause.

Now, with the intermittent commitment I apply to all of my ideas (which lasts only until I am bored or until I have what I perceive is a better idea) I will apply myself to make a great change in the world. This change may not be for the better, it may not be for the worst but it will be change.

In the coming days my friend, this cause will be revealed.

Sincerely,

Me

Mascaught

Dear Solitary Reader:

It’s Sunday, and the non-family related highlight of Sundays is football. The only thing better than regular football for me is playoff football; playoffs take it to a whole new level – a level normally not seen in the regular season because now everything matters.

Of course it appears someone forgot to tell the New England Patriots that it was playoff season. People will be talking about this one for a while (at least until a couple of games into next year when the Patriots fire it up all over again) because Baltimore is Blindsiding the Pats 33 to 14 as I watch. There’s 2:13 so I think I’m safe to call this one.

Pats fans are going to start the off season by lamenting the loss, for about a week or so, and then they’ll get down to the business of laying the blame. The following are a mix of reasons given by Pats fans (PF) and non-Pats fans (NPF) alike as to why New England will be bowing out in the first round:

• Bill Belichick wasn’t able to install his spy cams in time and was unable to steal and decipher the Baltimore Raven’s Playbook (NPF)
• Sandra Bullock poisoned the Gatorade of the Pats so that the Ravens would move on (and she plans to continue doing so until they win the Superbowl) – thereby increasing the popularity of her movie The Blind Side. (PF)
• Tom Brady – after last year’s season ending injury Tom Brady just hasn’t looked the same – perhaps he’s skittish? Or maybe he’s just got a year’s worth of rust? Whatever happened last season it turned Brady from the NFL quarterback to an NFL Quarterback. (PF & NPF)
• Wes Welker – that guy is freakin’ amazing on the field and the loss of him last week left the Pats without one of their major weapons (PF & NPF (who don’t hate the Pats and are willing to see reason)).

But I know the reason. And its not what you think. The real reason why the Pats have looked spent this year: Pats Mascot caught in Prostitution Ring.

In early December, one of the individuals who inhabits the body of Pat Patriot the mascot of the team was caught in an undercover sting that saw 14 people go down (heheh) as part of a prostitution ring.

This whole season the Patriots have looked like a distracted team; like a team that’s had something else on it’s mind – and now we know exactly what its had on its mind. Obviously the team has spent too much time “patting the Patriot” and not enough time on the field practicing.

First this and then Wes Welker – talk about a season that went south pretty fast. I know one thing for sure: now with no more football to play and no more prostitutes to play with, the Pats are going to have a lot of time on their hands this summer.